


what kind of god lets children die?

by sleepingmeadow



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Gen, ben vibes, diego and ben friendship, honestly the hargreeves siblings should have missed him more, ok, short story because yuh, vanya and ben friendship yeah sure but consider, yeah i love ben how could you tell?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:21:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26319343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepingmeadow/pseuds/sleepingmeadow
Summary: we miss you so, so much. if only we could have said goodbye.
Kudos: 7





	1. deadly emptiness.

when ben died, i didn't know how to feel. for weeks, months, i felt nothing. mom kept telling that he was in a better place, but was he really? he deserved better. everyone knew that. seeing his body, dead, gave me a feeling i had never experienced. was it sadness? no. emptiness. the years that followed his death were painful. why, why, why? every night i found myself asking, expecting an answer from no-one.

what kind of god lets children die?


	2. shattered fury.

we got blamed for his fucking death. i wasn't even there when it happened. why did this happen? why were the each of us blamed for it? i remember the screams coming from the next room, calling us over in wails of horror, and us walking into the area to see the blood splattered onto the walls like a fresh coat of paint. i remember pogo telling us that it took three days to retrieve all the parts of his body. every time dad threw the blame on us for his death i thought to myself.

what kind of god lets children die?


	3. swift panic.

every time i thought about him i found myself losing my breath. panic attacks were frequent during that time period after he died. but dad never helped. mom never helped. she wasn't programmed for those sorts of emotions, by dad's request. every time i collapsed onto the ground, sobbing to the point it hurt my ribs to breath, i'd hear the same words over and over.

what kind of god lets children die?


	4. silent grief.

but i never lost ben. i managed to bring him back soon after his death. but it felt lonely, you know? it broke me whenever ben mumbled a witty quip, because it would never fall on anyone else's ears ever again. every night, when i'd sit on my bed and hold out his favorite books, letting him read them because he couldn't. i remember the night i shut the book, looked over at him, sighed and said.

what kind of god lets children die?


	5. hesitant acceptance.

it hurt my heart when i found out ben had died. that calm boy i first found friendship in had died. it didn't feel real to me. but i didn't flinch when i looked over at his statue, his grave. this was what the umbrella academy was all about, wasn't it? dealing with loss, absorbing it and turning it into pure rage. that's what we needed. glancing over at his tombstone, turning away but glancing back a second time, i thought.

what kind of god lets children die?


	6. losing myself.

how am i meant to deal with my own death? the feeling of dread claws at my chest every day, i feel pain when i shouldn't have to. because it wasn't the physical pain that killed me, it was the mental pain. knowing i had let the academy down. knowing i had let dad down. but i'm past that now, right? atleast i still have klaus. but seeing how my siblings were so broken after my death... it broke me too. i still think about my place in the world. because how can i have a place if i'm no longer there? when those thoughts hit me the hardest, i whisper to myself.

what kind of god lets children die?


	7. screaming silence.

i wasn't even near them when it happened, but i still got part of the blame. but why? dad knew i would never let anything happen to any of them, but he still wanted me to feel what the others had to go through. i wanted my brother back the most, i felt. he was the kindest person i'd ever known, the bravest. he loved people, and he loved till the end. whenever i hear klaus laughing at one of ben's jokes, i smile too. just to let ben know he isn't alone. and sometimes, i think he knows that. in my dreams i still see him, the brother that always stuck by my side. we could be at the edge of a cliff, looking up at a waterfall, exploring forests, but he would always say to me in my own voice.

what kind of god lets children die?


End file.
